Friday, March 4, 2011

Loving What Is

I have a book called "Loving What Is." I haven't read it. I don't need to. I leave it out on the nightstand so that I can read the title every morning and night. It's a beautiful, simple reminder.

I am a grateful and for the most part, peaceful woman on this planet, at age 40 in the year 2011. I work hard at keeping it simple, living in the moment, and loving what is.
I have to work hard to stay balanced, but it’s worth it. I have one of those loud, demanding brains that is always telling me what to do, and it is always changing its mind. So by definition, I felt completely crazy a few years ago. I obsessed over just about anything. I created drama when I felt peacefulness setting in. I went from being an extrovert to a hermit, and could jump back and forth through these roles several times a day. I sold Real Estate full time, all the time, and I never said “no” to anyone. That lifestyle certainly has a life span. Mine lasted ten years. Finally, my body was in pain, my brain was completely confused as to how to stay in charge, and my heart broke free and took the reigns. It was terrifying and beautiful all at once. I had no more energy to keep up with my many personalities I had created. I felt like I had failed at living an authentic life, at honoring who I really am, and I had no idea what to do about it. I was on a beach in Mexico when my ego finally caved in. I considered suicide for an entire weekend. I couldn’t stop crying. My ego was putting up a huge fight against my heart. I was paralyzed by the onslaught. “Inner Conflict” hardly defines it. I was at full on war with myself. And it took a few years of writing, meditating, and practicing yoga and self love, before I finally came back into a “balanced” state. During those first few painful months of trying to sort out who I really was, I came up with a concept that helped me immensely. I created the "chicken coop" so that I could start to identify and separate my thoughts (ego based) from my heart’s wishes. I imagined chickens running around inside the "coop" (my brain), and each one had a different opinion of what I should be doing, how to do it, and with whom. Let me introduce you to a few. "Patty" is bossy with her hands on her hips all the time saying to me, "I told you so." She thinks she knows everything. "Grace" is shy, timid, a little damaged and extremely co-dependent. She has been the most active chicken over the years. She was one I discovered later, and I am still working on reconciling with her. "Octavia" is my yoga chicken. She just wants to practice and teach yoga all day long, sometimes at the expense of aching shoulders and dehydration. She took me out to California for nine weeks of Bikram Yoga Training. It was intensely beautiful. “Tomahawk” was badly injured by life. He had on bandages and was seething with anger the first time I saw him. He’s my Victim Chicken.
The way I see it, I am all of these chickens, because they are all active parts of my brain. By being able to identify them, I put myself in a deeper place of self love and acceptance for ALL of me. Now I can watch over them, and love them, but not let any of them control me for long periods of time like they used to do.

Deciding to let my heart be in charge of my life was the most significant decision I have ever made. What has been revealed to me continues to surprise me everyday. My heart holds the road map for my life. I've been testing this theory out, and what has been revealed to me has been astounding. My heart doesn't care about materialistic things or how “perfect” my image is. She doesn't care if what I wear doesn't always match. She doesn’t care about selling Real Estate so that I can drive a nice car and live in a nice house. She loves the smell of salty air, and she loves my bare feet in the yoga studio. She loves to paint, write, dream and remember them, to laugh really hard everyday, and to bring love and tenderness into other people's lives. She loves to heal. She loves to teach and practice yoga. She loves without judgment, without criticism, without the expectation of getting love in return. She just loves. And she's wise. She knows what I'm supposed to be doing, where and with whom. She has always known. I just couldn't hear her because the chickens were squawking orders at me all the time. I imagined myself turning the volume knob DOWN in my head, and UP in my heart. I actually turned the dials daily. It works. And once you start living from your heart, you never want to go back to that loud chatter box in your brain again.

"There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart’s desire. The other is to get it." –George Bernard Shaw

Welcome to my Blog. I've been journaling since I was 14 years old. I have stacks of them. One of my heart's desires is to throw my stories out there to see if they reach in and grab anyone, and maybe it helps them heal. I still struggle everyday. It feels like it's just a part of being human. But I know now that I am choosing to struggle, and I know how to stop it. It's powerful. It's just about silencing the chickens.

I believe in healing from the inside out. I believe in a regular practice of self love, because it takes practice. When YOU become your highest priority, everything in your life shifts towards an awareness around healing. I am living proof that it works.

Healing from the inside out.
Loving What Is.

"Yoga Folk Community" is about how my heart wants to live. And I'm listening everyday. Stay tuned....